When the lights go out

I haven’t written in a while. What is there to say with all that is going on? I spiraled into a deep depression, got help, and started to improve. But sometimes life has other plans. The demons come out to play. The darkness follows. I turned 28 two weeks ago. Until the past 15 months, I had been fortunate enough to not have faced death. But that keeps changing every day.

Three college classmates died unexpectedly since September 2019. They were about the same age as me. My great uncle passed, but he lived a long and healthy life until dementia set in. The past month, death has been getting closer. Another relative attempted to take her life, survived, then was diagnosed with an incurable illness. The next week, another friend nearly died in her sleep, saved by the quick actions of her partner. Today, one of my best friends told me she had cancer. She is one of the bright lights in my life. She is beginning treatment, but the thought of one of the people most dear to me facing something as big as this terrifies me.

We are young. They were young. Youth and death don’t make sense to me. Mortality is staring me down, making me cower under it’s immense weight. This isn’t how it’s supposed to be. Bright lights aren’t supposed to be extinguished before they’ve finished burning. Perhaps, then, this is where I’ve been naïve.

Nothing is promised. None of us can guarantee we will wake up tomorrow. Make the best of life while you still can. Phrases I know well but never understood the depth of until this year.

One path is to give up. Accept that we all could die at any moment. The other, to do everything in our power to live our lives to our fullest potential. To wake up every day thanking the universe, God, goddess, life, whatever you believe in, that you did wake up today. To own our power and ability. To stop shrinking ourselves to fit into societal expectations. To kick ass in whatever gives us that feeling of accomplishment in our lives. That’s the path I’ll take. I will make the most of this life I’ve been given. I will keep going. I will be the very best version of myself.

“I own my magic and my light, for that is what will guide me through, even on the darkest of nights.”

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